As most of you know – if you are allowing me to stalk you online – I am off in Vegas learning how to work the “Las Vegas Market“. (warning – if you click that link it plays music)
While I’m out I asked Kris from Pretty All True to come over and do my laundry. She refused – there was some profanity and physical violence involved – and she agreed to do a guest post instead.
Kris is one of those bloggers (and there aren’t tons) that you can’t stay away from once you meet her online. Since she disparages hugs – I encourage you to just follow her very closely on Twitter and at her blog. (See button above) She has two funny, smart, savvy, painfully honest daughters – Maj, 11 and Kallan, 9.
Please show her some comment love over here at RLWK and be sure to head over to Pretty All True to begin your up close stalking. Thanks for doing this guest post, Kris!
Without further ado – here is Kris’ superfantabulous guest post!
************************************************************************************
We have a lovely thermometer that used to hang in our back yard in Vallejo. A big round wrought-iron frame around a white face and big bold numbers. There is nowhere to hang the thermometer in the back yard so that I can easily see it from the inside of this house. So it’s just been resting against the deck railing.
And now it’s broken.
Maj is standing next to me, itching to tell me the story.
Kallan is nowhere in sight.
“Alright, Maj. I know you want to tell me what happened, but do you think you can tell me the story without getting too worked up? Without freaking out? Just tell me the facts.”
Maj launches right in, “OK, so you know how you told Kallan to never climb on the railing? She was climbing on the railing. And you know how you told her not to stand on the top of the railing to try to pick the plums from that little tree? She was standing on the top of the railing to reach the plums. And by the way? Both you and Daddy told her to stop picking the plums, but she keeps picking them! And they are not even all the way ripe, and then she takes a tiny bite and she just throws the rest of the plum on the ground. And then? By the way? The dogs eat the plums . . . I don’t know if you know that or not, but they so eat the plums. They swallow them whole. They could choke and die! And that is not even good for them to eat all that fruit. That’s why the dogs have been all bloated lately, I think. Plus? What if a pit gets stuck inside one of the dogs and then we have to take that dog to the vet and explain about how Kallan has been feeding the dogs plums?”
I interrupt, “What about the thermometer, Maj? I don’t hear anything about the thermometer.”
“OK, and by the way? I loved that thermometer and if you had just hung it up like you were supposed to? This would not have happened. And I know you are going to say that we can just get a new thermometer, but I liked this thermometer. And it’s broken, and also? You always say that we will just go out and get a new one of whatever is broken, but sometimes? It takes you a long time to actually do that replacing. Like . . . hello? My clock broke a while ago, and you said that you would get me a new clock, but do I have a new clock? No, I do not.”
“Are you ever going to tell me what happened to the thermometer?”
“OK, so Kallan was on top of the railing where she is never supposed to be, and she went to jump down but she sort of lost her balance and she yelled for help and then she wobbled and then she jumped but she didn’t jump right. And then as she landed, she sort of kicked the thermometer out of the way to keep from stepping on it. I think she was thinking that if she landed on the thermometer it would break, but guess what? Kicking the thermometer broke it, so she might as well have jumped on it. But I guess she couldn’t have really known that part.”
I reach down and pick up the thermometer. It is irretrievably broken, “And where were you while all of this was going on?”
“What?”
“Where were you? You seem to know exactly what happened. Where were you?”
Maj gestures to the deck where we are standing, “Right here.”
“You were standing right here and you could see that your sister was having a problem?”
“So?”
“So why didn’t you help her? If you saw that she was losing her balance and she was yelling for help, why didn’t you reach out to help her?”
Maj is all incredulous, “SHE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ON TOP OF THE RAILING, MOTHER.”
“Yeah, I got that part. But if you had helped her down, she would not have kicked the thermometer.”
“Are you blaming ME for breaking the thermometer?”
“No, I am just wondering why you would let her maybe fall and hurt herself. If she asked you for help, why didn’t you help?”
Maj speaks slowly, as though I am a small and stupid child, “SHE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ON TOP OF THE RAILING, MOTHER.”
Sigh.
I pick up the thermometer and head into the house. Maj follows me, alarmed, “You’re not going to throw that away, are you?”
“Yes, I’m going to throw it away. It’s broken, Maj.”
“That’s ridiculous! I love that thermometer.”
“Are you kidding me? Fine. I will save it forever, Maj. And when I die? I will leave the thermometer to you in my will.”
Still holding the broken thermometer, I stretch my hands toward her in the air, “This will be your inheritance, Maj. This is how you will know I loved you.”
She stares at me, and then? Unexpectedly?
She giggles.
And then the door slides open and Kallan appears. Her shirt is pulled up in front to carry a heavy load.
She sees me holding the thermometer and pauses, looks over at her sister assessingly.
And then walks forward with a big smile, reaching into her shirt as she approaches.
“Look what I brought you, Mom!”
A plum.
Want More? :
Perfect. As usual! I like the part where she spoke slowly in hopes you would just maybe get it.
Angela recently posted..Third Times a Charm
Yes, when Maj is angry at me?
I become a fool in her eyes.
Why do I not just LISTEN TO WHAT SHE IS SAYING?
Snort!
I hope you realize of course the the ultimate blame for the entire fiasco can only be laid at your feet. If only you had hung the thermometer up, none of this would have happened!
You are a slacker, Kris. You need help.
Serious, professional help.
I’ll get The Learning Channel on the line. Certainly they’ve got a reality show that can come to you and give you a slacker makeover for the rest of the world’s viewing and mocking pleasure.
Poor, poor Kris. Poor, poor… poor Kris.
Hee.
Nigel recently posted..By the Way- If Anyone Here Is In Marketing or Advertising… Kill Yourself
If there was such a show?
Maj would be on the phone with them as I sit here.
Arranging the mocking.
What? People stalk you??? That is weird. I mean, like follow you to every guest post and what not? Hmmm, how odd.
Jamie recently posted..Recipe for Sewing Attempts
Why, hello you!
Fancy meeting you here.
Love the stalking.
I love how Maj’s reasoning for not helping her sister is that Kallan wasn’t supposed to be on the railing. Duh. Why could you not see that? What is wrong with you? Sheesh!
and then Kallan with the plum? I knew I liked that girl.
Katie recently posted..Cancer Oh it Sucks!
Maj is all logic and reason and stubbornness.
Kallan (and I) drive her insane.
Your kids sound hilarious!
Thanks, you!
They are way funny.
Exhausting, but funny.
embarrassing, but true. Yes, we are a group of stalkers that follow Pretty All true wherever she is. Like here, today. And then we start stalking again tomorrow at her place. We have a schedule and everything, so we never screw up. Though, one day, it was 7AM and no one had shown up at a guest post she did, and that was pretty traumatic for the club. But I got on it!.
I remember that day!
It was mortifying.
But then you saved me.
Swoon!
I’m with Nigel, had the thermometer been where it was supposed to be… it would have been saved.
But then, there would have been no story as good as this one.
Thanks for posting about the little things and making them highly entertaining.
PS: I cannot wait to read your posts when the girls start dating. OK, we have a little bit of time, but it will come fast, you watch.
Maryline recently posted..It’s just work- nothing personal
ACK!
Do not speak to me of dating!
ACK!
I am not at all prepared.
Snicker….I love how your daughter speaks slowly to you, like YOU are the one who is just NOT getting this!
thepsychobabble recently posted..Where You At
Maj is pretty sure that I?
Am not quite up to the task of mothering her.
Snort!
I had a weird sense of deja vu while reading that story…I have four kids (ages 12, 15, 26, 28) and I’m pretty sure I’ve had almost the exact same dialog take place here (although a thermometer wasn’t involved). Well-written and funny! I just may be motivated to start stalking you! LOL
p.s. for some reason, I’m craving plums!
Stalk away.
I love stalkers.
And the plums? They are delicious.
The dogs think so too.
Stupid dogs.
Clearly, you are too stupid to understand Maj unless she speaks loudly and clearly and slowly. My stepsister feels the same way about me. I tell her, “Just because you are louder, doesn’t make you righter.”
I love your children!
Snicker!
I have suggested to Maj that her loud slow voice does not make her any more correct.
And she says, “I do not need to be any MORE correct, mother.”
She kills me.
I can totally hear Maj. “mu-thuuuuur aren’t you aware that Kallan was doing something she shouldn’t have been doing? What is wrong with you? You are not your noticey self!”
Oh, and Kallan, bringing you plums and noticing that the heat was on Maj for the moment. Obviously she is not the type to disregard such a window of opportunity. That girl is “plum” genius!
You know I love you, Kris!
Roxane recently posted..Wet People Not Permitted
As I love you.
So much.
Well clearly you didn’t even like the thermometer since you didn’t hang it up…I mean Kallan really did you a favor by breaking it since it was taking up useless space on the deck. Don’t you realize that? Gah, what is wrong with you MOTH, I mean Kris? Hahaha love you and your girls! Oh, one question… Did you eat the plums?
We did eat the plums.
They are delicious.
Illicit and delicious.
People who have commented here? I love you!
I will come by to return the love, but your comments must have been waiting for moderator approval. I did not see them last night. I am off to take the girls to the lake, but I will be back.
Much love.
Brilliantly played by your daughters, there’s never a dull moment, is there? It’s so great that you’re documenting these moments because the girls won’t really remember the details (or possibly even the events) when they’ve grown up & have their own wee ones. You, OTOH, will have an inexhaustible supply of material for extortion should the opportunity present itself. *grin*
My Dad had a prize plum tree when we were kids but the birds always got the plums before we could. Sounds like they’d have been yummy.
I am so incredibly pleased at the vision of some future versions of my daughters reading this story.
So pleased.
Thank you.
Big thanks, Kris, for coming to visit and guest post.
I absolutely love this post about the girls and get a kick out of reading your accounts of mom/daughter interactions. Funny, funny.
I think that perhaps you could have your own TV show. With the girls. Hmmmm.
LOL What a cute story. I have a child that can’t get to the point either. I hope you accepted the shirt full of plums as an ‘I’m sorry”. Adorable!
Melinda recently posted..Cool Find Friday 5